I am writing this down in hope of getting some of these feelings out that I am feeling. I can barley eat ad sleep. Hell I can barley do my school work. I'm severely stressed. I have so much slamming through my head right now and I have for about a week but the past few days have become increasingly tough. I freaky just wish that all of this stuff would just go away, allowing maybe for some serenity.

My amazing father is taking my 'mom' to court for custody of me; the small chance that he will lose and i will have to remain in the hell that i currently live in. This is stressing me out a lot. I am struggling to get and keep my grades up to my moms insane standards. My mom screams at me and treats me like a dog for no reason just as she has my entire life. My boss at work is always on me, pushing more work and faster when I'm already at my limit. People at school treat me like I don't matter, show me i don't belong, call me ugly, laugh at me, put me down.
I sit at my house all day when I don't have to work and do nothing. Alone.
I just want to live with my dad and be happy for good. Begin living.

Have you ever been bullied? More importantly been a bully? Have you ever been considered a outcast? Have you ever made someone an outcast? Do you think that "jocks, emos and nerds" should be divided within the school and in the world?

I experienced challenge day about a week ago. Challenge day is a day when many students are given activities with which emotional growth and extreme bonding happens.

We were placed in groups-called "little families"- we were all allowed to share the thing in our lives that had not been so great. When it would become someone's turn that person would say "if you really knew me you would know that..." Everyone else in the "little family" would be silent respectfully while the person told their story.

Later on everyone was requested to stand in a line of sorts and was told "if the questions i ask you apply to you, please cross the line" this was an extremely emotional time for many people including me; a few people collapsed on the floor in their sob filled states. During this i was astounded that other people who appear to have perfect lives actually have had some of the same things happen to them as me which caused me more tears.

Looking back on this experience i realize that this was life changing. I have been a bully many times and seeing everyone's problems and struggles, it awoke me. We as a people need to join together to make life as incredible as possible. We do not need to bully and tear one another down because we never know what that parson has to go through. We were told that Gandhi said one time "be the change you wish to see in the world", this is true and the change starts with us.

-Left

Her

You, reading this, do you have that one person, that person whom you see when you close your eyes to engulf your mind with dreams? Do you have that one person that when you think about the future you vision them standing next to you with time going in slow motion? Well I do. I'm lucky enough to have her. I have found that one woman whom astonishes me, whom is sexy as fuck, beautiful, and she loves a lot of the same things i do.

So this is to you Vegas girl, shay from harlenandshay; I fucking want you for the rest of my life. I don't think you will ever know how much you mean to me so you know what? I'm going to show you baba booie. I'm being completely honest when I say you really are the most sexy women i have ever talked to; you have a perfect body, amazing smile, stunning eyes and your long Hair mesmerizes me.

You introduced me to dubstep and it has become one of my loves. I can't wait for you to sit on my lap and play video games with you, watch the cabin in the woods with you in my arms, play left 4 dead with you (not halo ;) ) and go to the EDC with you for 3 days straight.

You really are wonderful to me and I will forever be greatful to have you in my life and i can't wait to have the most beautiful philipino/white babies with you. Can you imagine how incredible they will be?

Well babe this is where I say my goodbye for this post, I love you! You possess the unique ability to fill me up with happiness with only one word. You can make me smile even at my very lowest. A day without you is a day spent without smiling once. You're always on my mind. No matter how much I try to deny it...I'm in love with you.

P.S. you're my Twinkie <3
-Shay&Vegas

*I am writing this on February 16 at 11:21pm*

While i was at my dead end job tonight, my mind was not on the ice cream i was scooping or the shakes i was mixing; but rather on my life. Oh how my life has been so cruel to me: people make fun of me all the time, people ignore me, people hate me, and talk bad about me. I know I have made some mistakes in my past, I used to want sex from girls all the time but i have in the past had relationships that i wanted the girl for her, not for sex but for companionship, for love, for happiness, and for a reason to keep waking up everyday. Everyone has needs and sometimes for me that is sex but i am growing as a person, my need now is for someone who I can love and who would love me too, a best friend I just fucking need someone to fill this hole that is slowly growing and gradually tearing me apart.

No one really knows how my life has been, how it is still. Maybe just maybe if some people knew maybe i could be treated better by people and not be in such hell. We are all trying to make the best out if our lives so why not join together in happiness, not bully, not fight, not kill, not hate, and not try to break one another down. Life is slowly killing us so why not make it better for the time we have.

I don't know who is reading this or how many are, but if you never think about anything i say, please for the serenity of life: do not bully people because you never know what that person is going through, you may lead them to an early death or possibly yours.

This has taken me a long time to type and I'm actually forgetting everything i was wanton to type in this note so i guess this is the end of another one.

"There are many ways to move forward but only one way of doing nothing."
-Left

*I am typing this on Sunday February 10th as I'm laying in bed.*

Well today was my birthday, I am now a 17 year old. I remember when I was in the fifth grade. Oh man where these seventeen years have taken me, all i the things i have done, the things i have seen, the places i have been, the girls i have been with and the people i have interacted with; all of these things play through my head like a super-8 movie, repeating endlessly.

In the past year me and my father have grown a lot, I went from someone who was continually disappointing him to a son he is proud of. Over the summer i saw that he was very lonely and he was thinking about making a drastic change in his life so he could be happy, then he met a woman-she is pretty awesome- and very quickly fell in love with her just as she had for him. She treats him incredibly and as he deserves. My father has never given up on me, even though I have messed up a lot in my life. I truly respect and admire that man who sings Adele in car rides.

I feel I have grow a lot mentally - almost all thanks to my father- i see world so differently than everyone else around me.

The pain i have experienced in my 17 years has made me try to give up forever and end it all. But I can't. I must fight on through life for my father, my rock.

I'm always daydreaming about the future, how incredible it will be, how I am going to put my mark on this earth, filling stadiums and bringing everyone together at one time and have no worries just like me when I listen to incredible music.

Happy birthday to me.

"I would rather Be hated for who i am than loved for who I'm not"-Kurt Cobain

-Left